Inbox Fantasy #1 Major Mike Moore

Some of this spam is rather amusing to read. It’s all designed to appeal to your greed. En lieu of writing a huge article that likely nobody will take a lot of time to read, I thought I’d take something sent to me and provide my commentary.

The content you are going to read below is a typical “Nigerian 419” scam. It may not have originated from Nigeria but follows the intent. These sorts of emails are regularly caught by your spam box but the occasional email creeps through.

Major Mike

Major Mike Moore is quite the gentleman. An upstanding American serviceman known for pride of his country, a strong moral compass, and the fortitude of his convictions. He is 34 years old from Alabama. You can be led to believe that Mike is an officer from one of the poorer locations of the US and so when coming across a treasure trove, he could quite rightly want to pocket some of that cash.

Well, that’s what the author of the email wants you to believe, truth though can be a much darker path. If it were a tick box it would be none of the above.

Three Kings

The plot that Major Moore goes on to tell is one not dissimilar to that of “Three Kings” starring George Clooney. This movie came out in 1999 and charts the acts of three American Soldiers caught in the Persian Gulf War. The group, in no uncertain terms, come across a gold vault, and through self serving means aim to secure that gold. Through the progression of the movie it becomes clear that the town in which the gold is stored is under threat from the actual day job the army boys were sent there for in the first place. The group’s morals come under strain when they eventually decide to help those more in need.

Grammatico

I’ve had to amend the email in a few ways because the grammar and spelling are poor. This Major clearly didn’t have a good grasp of English.

Mike’s letter and my commentary

My name is Major Mike Moore, 34 years old from Alabama, a US army [officer] currently stationed in Syria for war against terrorism. I am contacting you based on the confidence which [I] have seen in you.

And what confidence was that Mike?

We’ve never actually met. I don’t know anyone who would pass on my details to you in confidence for something as insidious as this but for the benefit of the reader I’ll continue.

How are you sure I’m not some terrorist mastermind, the very thing you went to Syria to fight?

[A] few weeks ago, while curbing a village in Aleppo of terrorist hideouts, my fellow colleagues and I, found a metal sealed box containing a huge amount of cash in the value of $14,600.000.00 USD. This money is believed to be part of the funds embezzled by the Syrian authority or fleeing rebels from that region.

A very specific amount. Not that I am diametrically opposed to taking funds from Assad’s terrible regime but this is dirty money.

People have bled for this money, people have died for this money. What makes you think that I want anything to do with it?

You assume that based on my greedy intent that I would bypass my moral compass to accept this kind of money. You paint me as the Western white devil. Why?

What makes you think that I want to profit from war like a jackal wants to profit from a corpse?

You assume that I would go unquestioned on where this sum came from. The fact is that all money is traceable and such large sums never go unmissed.

You assume that I seek to make two wrongs a right.

I need your help in confidence to help me secure this fund in your custody and open a bank account to deposit the funds in your country, then once my service is completed here in the next 3 years, I would relocate to your country to meet you in person and share the funds 70–30% each. I have colluded with elite troops who have agreed to help move the box to turkey and thereby deposit the box to a security company as containing “very important files”. As army generals, the security company would not question the real contents of the box considering their positions as security personnel.

Doesn’t sound at all dodgy.

Point 1, Why would I do this?

Point 2, What guarantee would I have that you wouldn’t get killed in 3 years.

Point 3, Why would you cut someone in on a 70–30 split when you could ask a family member?

Point 4, Why would you place trust in corrupt military to forward your ill-gotten gains to a country that in itself is somewhat corrupt. What assurance would I have that during the time before collecting this box the contents would be safe? What assurance do I have that this sum of money is contained within this metal box?

Point 5, Why would you believe that I would want anything to do with this dirty money?

Few days ago, I have confirmed that the elite troops has deposited the box successfully at security firm in Ankara in the name of a general named Ahmet Mereket.

Which random name generator did you use to conjure this man’s name up?

I will have to consult with my Sanity Doctor, Wilks Dinkbottom.

Point 6, What guarantee do you have that Ahmet Mereket has not looted your treasure box that you won’t see for 3 years?

Point 7, What guarantee do I have that this elite group won’t come after me for a bigger cut?

Point 8, What guarantee do I have that you won’t kill me and take all the money?

Point 9, Such a bank account would have to opened in the Cayman islands or Switzerland due to the insane amount of money. In order to operate that bank account I would have to deposit funds in it to operate it. I assume that you would require knowledge of the bank details and that you would bleed this account when my back is turned, the entire point of a Nigerian 419 scheme. How stupid do you think I am?

I need your consent over this very important and confidential issue. I wouldn’t want to lose such [a] huge amount which I know I couldn’t acquire in my life time as a soldier.

Have you considered that what you are doing is illegal?

Have you considered that as a role of being a United States Military Officer representative abroad, your primary aim is not to loot and pillage?

You, Major Mike Moore, are a thief. Call me a white knight but I am beginning not to like you very much. Your the kind of fellow that my country used to produce in their hundreds during our colonial times. The kind of bastard that gives that term ‘redcoat’ a stain that will never wash out.

Only what is required now is your full Name and Telephone number. I wait for your urgent response to provide you with further details. Let me know if you can travel to Turkey, Cambodia, Spain or Germany to receive the box. Following my discussion with the contact in Turkey, their diplomat has only four [exit] routes for now, so let me know which of the countries will be okay for you to receive the box.

Turkey makes sense. That’s where the loot box ended up. Spain is a bit of a stretch as is Germany. Moving that amount of money in cash would be suspicious, but seeing as Germany is a haven of whack jobs who can just stroll in through the border, it seems more likely. Cambodia is more like the shady haven that I’d expect dirty money to transit through. The journey from Turkey to Cambodia is not the most commonly traveled unless I’m missing something.

Being an Evil Genius, your plan has some merit but lacks any sign of proof. I am supposed to believe based entirely off a cold email.

If I was gullible I’d probably head to Cambodia. While I’m there I can go on a bit of a gun tour from all those left over arms caches that Pol Pot left behind. I’ve heard there’s a pretty good gun range in the capital, Phnom Penh.

The truth is, you are not what you claim. You are one of these internet scammers who do occasionally succeed in finding that rare mark who is weak enough to fall for your ploys. You exist because this scam worked, and not once but many times. The Nigerians know this scam so well that the form of scam is known as the Nigerian 419 owing to the fact that people are prosecuted under section 419 in Nigerian law courts for this offense.

Thank you.

Yours Faithfully

Major Mike Moore.

Major Mike Moore, or should I call you Jacob Mqembe from Nigeria or Ivan Renkov from Russia. Don’t thank me.

I recommend you don’t watch any more films/movies with George Clooney, specifically Three Kings.

If I were to go the way of a white devil, I’d choose some other less dangerous methods to make ill gotten gains. Thankfully I enjoy a relatively clean slate of moral integrity and this too-good-to-be-true offer doesn’t interest me. Wishing you all the best for that one gullible idiot who falls for this ploy or that jail cell you find yourself in.

One final note, your email has been marked as spam so I won’t be hearing from you again.

Best Wishes,

Jackson Davies