The D Word, Again…
Maybe this is an over share on my part for you medium viewers, maybe not. I see quite a lot of interesting articles on here about personal stories but I am often reminded by a little mantra that a more famous blogger came out with on the importance of providing;
“help over self”
Sharing my own catharsis is quite self-indulgent, narcissistic and haunting to myself but I've done it once before and it is to date the highest ranking article I've written on Medium.com. I am not writing this for applause or comment, I am writing it just as an echo to what is present in this time. I hope to read back on this later and realise that things changed for the better, or that I changed my strategy to win the prize I had envisaged, or that I just simply went a different way. That said, as a man or woman, I hope you take something away from this rambling. It is not meant to be instructional, but hopefully a lens on a problem area that you might seek to change in your own trajectory.
Online Dating is the centre of this whole article. It says so in the title. It used to be a little bit of a weird thing to do, but it is now very much mainstream.
I've had experience with this process. Been there many times in the past. 2018 is different though. Something feels altogether unwell, and that is what I'm going to be writing about.
I'm talking about exactly 1 website. I use this website because it’s free. Free always comes with hidden costs but at least messages between individuals is free, the most important part of the dimension. Plenty of Fish. You've been there, and if you haven’t you may do at some point.
The Usual Nonsense
I'm not sure if this is limited to the UK but I have heard tale of it elsewhere. It’s the normal crap that goes with online dating really. The normal nausea or ‘nause’ as I like to say.
With the usual nonsense, you expect this kind of shit. It’s the bollocks you get every dating site pretty much. Women seem to catch these annoying traits like a disease, and for many reasons that’s why they still malinger here.
The Heel Bitch
I measure approximately 5’11”. I’m almost 6 foot. Almost but not quite on some scales, but on others “bang on”. Depending on my posture and where you measure the top of my bonce, I'm 6 foot. For a lanky “streak of piss” woman who opts to wear heals, I am often the cutoff point. Being what I classify as a heel bitch, is often the red flag that is sufficient enough for me to move on. It bugs me every time I see it. It is a distinct vanity I don’t like to entertain.
Heel bitches have always been present so they are nothing new. They fall in with the normal ‘nause’.
Muscle Chicks (And To Some Extent Fit Chicks)
I don’t mind women with muscle, not in the slightest, I'm not muscle-est per se. It’s more the amount of rigour that goes into maintaining the physique. I'm not really up for that. It’s kinda weird. I don’t want to be cracked like an egg during the night. As mentioned, weird.
Fit chicks already have this ingrained mode of thought and expect you to be the same.
I’m not a marathon runner, I couldn’t give a fig about the Ironman event you want to run off to. You wanna jog at 6am in the morning. Go to it, just don’t wake me up while I’m getting my beauty sleep.
Friends, Dating But Nothing Serious
Don’t get me wrong, having friends is great. When you are on a dating site however, just looking for friends is not great. I am not there for friends. It is disappointing when you have an optimum woman for your viewing pleasure, but she is in this ‘friend zone’. Such a waste. Friends is a by-product, and there’s nothing stopping you being a friend if it just doesn't work out, but seeking friends from the off is the wrong gambit. You can meet friends at church and sing kumbaya my lord until the cows come home but you go to a dating site for dating; Not for an espresso and a wide eyed chat.
Dating but nothing serious is slightly worse than just Friends. I’ll explain. It is kind of saying that you want entertainment but you want to be a perpetual butterfly. It’s kind of like when you sell an item on eBay, and then one of the bidders asks to retract their bid stating a reason you clearly stated in 3 places on your item, in BLOCK CAPITALS. This is normal ‘nause’. As with friends, if you happen to see a woman in this range that you like, but who is classified this way, it’s a waste. Even writing a single character for a message is wasting your time.
“Not my type”
It is a very quick way to dismiss but also tell you not to message again. These messages suck. Guys, you know it. Women, stop doing it. Just don’t respond. Block if you want to, just don’t respond. Don’t waste our time. Normal ‘nause’.
Often I wonder to myself in my angered rage, what is your type. The steroid filled alpha male who will treat you like shit? Be my guest. I need a woman with more taste and sense because I know I don’t want to fuel your delusions. Not my type! Grrr. Raises my blood pressure just writing it.
How bloody dare you!
The anti-man-but-I-still-want-the-moon-on-a-stick mantra
It’s boring. It’s so very boring. It’s when the profile becomes more about the wrong that a stream of men have wrought on you at this site, than about your positivity. It’s where your profile is a shopping list, rather than a place where meaningful messages can be crafted. Definitely normal ‘nause’.
These twisted creatures proceed to tell you in intricate detail all the things they are and are not looking for, but if you dare to message them, they’ll instruct you on how wrong that was.
If you are feeling that way, what is your aim, your purpose, your goal. Why are you here. Is it simply to waste our time? Are you just too lazy to delete your profile on the 0.000001% chance of meeting that pliable, malleable muscle man, that has no outward rage issues from being puffed out on steroids, the man who’d hand over their wallet, treat you a little rough and perform better comedy than Lee Evans. That guy with all the money and prospects. You are dreaming. Those guys already have their princesses. You are but a toad to them. You are in my zone and you are over-reaching, grasping at expectations beyond sensible realisation.
One Sentence Responses
Will get you cut quicker than a well-made Japanese katana. If I'm going to go to some length to create something to titillate you, the least you can do is make a two sentence response. One sentence is not polite, even on a smart phone. You've been told. Learn. Or don’t. You’re gonna get cut. Don’t have the time, don’t do the crime!
I mean, seriously!
Two Faced Responses
The kind of response where you think you are making progress but was a one time shot. For what ever arbitrary reason, you got cut on your first reply. The recipient felt this response was the required action, rather than just not responding in the first place, which would have been kinder. Two face responses are worse than simple “Not My Type” responses because you are given a false sense of hope. You waste time in the follow up, only to have the legs cut from you because they suddenly deemed you unworthy. They had a conversation with their girly mate who said that as a match “he’s a bit rough” but not in the good way.
People who explain something in their description that is actually not accurate elsewhere (like their age). So in their profile they’ll be 27 when you search for them, but when you read their profile they’ll explain they are 31. Some girls like to try and game the system so as to access men in certain age range criteria, I'm sure this is gamed on the other side too. Don’t lie up front, just don’t. It’s not a good way to start out a future relationship.
Those that have the following;
- “I’ll fill this in later”
- “Ask me”
I don’t know how women think that they can get away with this. It gives me exactly nothing to go on. Is this a strategy to park their profile while they take a break or is it just being purposely awkward. You gave me exactly nothing to go on.
Passive aggressive conversation starter that may result after copious glasses of alcohol;
Which boob is bigger, left or right?
Are you getting the scent of my alpha male smell? Was that ‘no’, I’ll give you a good hiding because you ‘deserve’ it, and I know you’ll beg me for the rough side of my belt. You tart, you should have said yes. SMH. You asking me to go full Putin on your arse? Well, if the invitation’s there….
How am I doing on a scale of one to handbag?
Come on ladies. Give us something. Starter for 10.
Starter for 10 is great actually. I've only seen it once though. Let us be creative, even if it still gets panned.
Posting Old Pictures With New
There was a game show in Britain during the 80s. It was called Bullseye. Basically it involved two teams comprised of an average Joe or Jane, a famous British darts player, and the host Jim Bowen. The prizes in this game show were pretty amazing for the time (some were absolute dog pooh) but Jim had a certain way about him. There was that one saying Jim used to say after the crushing defeat of the contestant and their darts player losing;
Let’s have a look at what you could have won!
It was simple but amusing. Mostly because Jim was always a hero at putting his arm around the contestant post shell shock. They wheeled all of the prizes out and showed everyone what the contestant had just lost, as a cruel realisation of how close they were to winning big.
Why put an old picture up? It’s like saying “here is me before I hit the wall, here’s what you could have won!”
Don’t do it ladies. If you look like a troll now, or that a bus considered stopping, but decided to carry on while running you over, just be honest. Some guys go for trolls if they know up front. We aren’t all about image over substance.
All men know that you will find it almost impossible to return to that once untouched, unfettered configuration in the future.
Being Viewed By Distinct Undesirables
There are some pretty rubbish things that people do. I go by a code as an adult male. The code is simple.
Never bang another man’s woman
It may seem crass, but it’s actually one of the commandments if you want to get religious. Being viewed by women who openly admit to want an f-buddy whilst in a relationship or being married and wanting to play the field, is a serious turn off for me. That’s not to say that it is any less worse if you don’t know this up front. I’ve been approached for other sinister purposes in the past, being a third leg in a devil’s threesome to name just one.
11th Hour Bail Outs
This happens from time to time. Never really sure why. The plane is flying happily to it’s meeting destination but the woman has jumped out with the parachute. You are left wondering why. Were you not witty enough? Did you say something stupid? Only she knows, and she’s deleted her profile already. You may have provided your contact details once or twice for her to get the hint, but she’s off and fucked. That number will never be called, that email will remain dormant like a gremlin not fed after midnight.
Mail Settings Secularists
Mail settings is the wet blanket many women throw over themselves to ensure they get what they think will be right for them. Non smoker, within a certain distance is fine, there are some other exceptions which are fine, but some age exclusions just feel mean.
Haunted By Your Past
Two of my Ex Girlfriends are on the site. :( Right now.
One of them contacted me :(…..
Often you get the same people move around on the conveyor belt of singledom, there’s normally a reason for that too.
You could also say neo-nause if you wanted. But let’s not. It’s bad enough it exists.
Those who see fit to put their Instagram ID in their profile. Whilst that might seem completely above board on the surface. I'm not sure I want to be a johnny random follower to make you feel greater. I'm already putting the pussy on the pedestal, you want it on the table top and then some don’t you.
Fuck off with your Instagram!
Be gone woman, with your bizarre tasting cheeses. I don’t want to join your cult. Bah!
I’ve already had to put up with Vegeterians and their nause, now Vegans and their nause. The pool is emptying!!!!
Something POF Got Better at While I Was Away
They improved something?
Yes, they actually are a lot quicker at removing scammers now than they used to be. I'm impressed. I got this woman from Newark message me, and in about 2 minutes her account had been deleted. Good work POF, good work. Still, she did have a nice body in that picture with all that fishnet. I've seen a lot of other fake accounts be pulled down in record time. Excellent job. :) All of those hump naked dot com or shag fanny dot com women disappear in rapid succession. Fantastic!
That said, there seems to be a hell of a lot more fake profiles popping up than their used to be. They seem to be created by bots.
To the Nub
Back in the old days I was pulling roughly 1 view a day, considerably more on the weekend. It was good, I had some choice in who I could go and view. Now things are dramatically different.
What POF Has Tried To Mimic
It was obvious but sadly Tinder is the system they have tried to mimic, and I’ll explain why by breaking down one of POF’s enticements to get you to see how they’ve crippled their site by greed.
As you can see in the ‘copy’ (that’s biz speak for writing designed in order to entice you) above that going ‘gold’ is a winning strategy.
MEET ME is the system they’ve put between a paywall. As you can see, I have 14 interested parties but because I choose not to pay, I will never see who they are.
Meet me, when it wasn’t bridged between a pay wall, was a supplementary way of finding women who were interested. I did occasionally get women who point blank refused to acknowledge they had thrown a “would like to meet” my way, but generally I did get messages returned. Now, it is crippled.
The Search Functionality
It seems that POF favours more recent users up front (what with their paid scheme).
In 23 days from 14th March to 6th April I managed 27 views. I'm sure I've done better in the past.
Of those 27, the majority were of grade 7 or below. Only 5 lay in the 8 and above criteria.
POF introduced a ‘boost’ system by providing tokens (pictured above). I really hate this idea. Basically what it means is that you’ll be arbitrarily put to the back of the queue most of the time so that women don’t see you, unless you use this boost. All gold members go ahead of you. It almost feels like a computer game now, with “pay to win” philosophy. Is dating women a game? It does often feel that way, but it shouldn't be. I often liken the dating game to wrestling a vampire, if they start baring teeth you better wrestle them into the sunlight.
Being first in line to a disaffected crone, maybe I am actually being protected by POF, I hadn’t actually considered that. Hmmm….
Am I becoming an old man, or is the world just becoming more of a game? I’m too old for games. There is definitely a point in your life when you get there.
As of today, 20th April, a beautiful spring day, I have one person contacting me on a completely random basis. The last time, she contacted me from Swindon, whilst visiting friends, that was 6 days ago. Who knows where she will be contacting me from next. She gave me all this horse dick about how she is trying to be more unplugged, and yet, I do see her online every other day. What-evs. In all honesty, if I didn't have those messages coming, I wouldn't stick around. I was very close to deleting my profile yesterday but held off.
I dread when I have new mail sometimes. It is so dreaded because I’m not sure if I’m going to get a sass reply or not. At least when I receive nothing, I don’t peak inside the mad brain of some woman. That sick green on the UI that indicates I have a new message, is the correct colour. I’m probably going to be sick from the anxiety of how I’m going to charm the tits off her next. How many former butter tubs (washed in the sink of Hades) can I fill with those divine nuggets of tit charming gold? It’s finite people. Just saying.
Do I have no ‘game’? I never had game in secondary school (high to those who don’t know what secondary school is). My highlights were having eyes made at me through a double decker bus by one particular lovely blonde I used to know. I spent a year chasing a girl named Kerry like a puppy, to be entirely rejected very vocally. The only truly intriguing development was a girl in the senior year, while I was 14, taking an interest in my charms (it didn't lead to anything guys and gals, there was no under age nooky). There was Claire of course, but she liked me more than I her, apparently she invited me for under age nooky, I just don’t remember being informed at the time, she was a bit odd, but it takes one to know one. The only thing I have to thank the Spice Girls for, was my first dance with a beautiful teen, that music worked like a charm. 1996 seems like a long time ago. Vicky, how I miss women of your calibre! She was semi-taken though, you know my rules on that.
Do I have minus ‘game’. Worse than no game, you are already throwing the match. Possibly. Single mothers have minus game, they know and respect that. Purely by the virtue of my age I am starting to fall into the “phantom zone”. The trolls are growing, those who the MGTOWs deem the notary bridge dwelling trolls, the “hit the walls”. I’m in this age group now, where my allowable minimum has crept up to beyond the non crusty, to the crusty. In my previous outing here, I was able to mix it with 18 year olds. Long have those day’s suns set. I am in the disaffected pool of women who jump to more conclusions than the combined cast of Neighbours, Home and Away, Eastenders and Coronation Street (I would throw in Emmerdale and Hollyoaks, but possibly that is just the nuclear option that removes all hope in humanity). You Americans who don’t know what I’m writing about, just nod your head in happy ignorance. You have had the benefit of not having to endure this dearth of soap opera conclusion jumping, revel in that liberty.
Do I tragically miss open windows? Yep. I am an over cautious fellow. Always have been risk averse, to my detriment. That’s why I’m in this uncomfortable right now. That’s why I’m not a 2.4 family. That’s why I’m a pre-Lois Superman, except with a gut. Take for example my trip to Mexico. I had this perfect opportunity to talk to two fine American women who seemed interested in my accent, but instead I was Captain shy. It was fun to watch parrots being draped on them by the photographers, the photographer himself even said I had the perfect ring side seat. Such pretty ladies. University age, possibly a little older. Sigh… Not even a name… It’s not so much a regret though, I had decided not to head the route of holiday heavy breather. I just wanted chill. It’s nice to go on holiday and chill, very nice. There were twins in identical bikinis, man alive! I digress.
Do I enjoy myself. Fuck yeah. I loaf hard. I laugh at the tragedy that has befallen my Irish colleague as he entertains his imminent first child. Enjoy those sleepless nights buddy! Hahaha.
But still…. I search like a homeless man seeks that final penny to afford a bottle of whiskey. I was a MGTOW monk for 11 months but the toggle button worked its way loose. If this crap continues I’ll head back with my habit between my legs, ready to get the tonsure cut.
Ho bloody hum.
That’s not to say that I'm bitter, but grrrr and grrrr. Take that as you will.
Peace but no love.